2003-07-29 :: 265th Entry

Mel wrote a msg on my guestbook, saying how her and Pen have read all the entries on it, the one from April 2002.

I can't believe I've been doing this over a year, and so far I've had 264 entries.

So many things have happened to me since then. I had my ups and downs, and went through physically and mentally tough time.

As a conclusion I've matured.

Well don't you think so?

When I read my earlier entries today I've realised that I gave a lot of thoughs in many things. I was paranoid and I was annoyed at so many things. I was worried if people liked me and the things I was doing was right. The little things seemed such a big problems and I think I didn't see the point in many things.

Am I making any sense?

But then, lately, I haven't been thinking a lot. My days are so routined now. I've got too many things going on and they don't need to be given a lot of thoughts on them. I mean seriously, when was the last time I cried because I didn't know what to do? Because I was hurt or frustrated?

I can't even remember.

This doesn't mean I became less a person. I still think. I think, but I just do not have enough time to make what I'm thinking into a proper shaped ones.

Why am I here? What do I want to do? What's my future goals? These things are more important than questions like what should I do in order to get better marks on exams or how to cope with all the work I'm getting.

But seriously, always, the fact that I have to study is haunting me. I can't get it out of my mind.

Kinda sad ey?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing out on something, or not seeing the right thing, not walking on the right path.

Remember how I used to show my emotions really easily? I smiled a lot, I got upset really easily and became happy even easier?

I think, this is because, I have to survive. I have to survive in this place where thousands of people are living together. In order to be the one, in order to be the one who can climb up to the top of the community, I have to stay calm, cool and.. foxy in a way. I have to be able to know the way to let the others know that I am the best, or at least, one of the bests.

Yes this is it. I haven't become lesser person. I'm becoming a survivor. I can't afford to waste my time worried about the things that don't matter that much.

I cannot afford to stay childish, living in a wonderland anymore.

You know what? To tell you the truth, when I go back Melbourne this September, it's not going to be "nothing has changed".

Because so many things have changed.

I'm telling you, there will be times when something are not the same anymore, whether in our opinions or the conversations, there will be something missing. Something that doesn't click.

Yes, it is sad. I'm sad that we couldn't stay like we used to.

Life goes on, we have to move on. Sooner or later we have to grow up, and start a survival game in the real world.

But please remember one thing.

I am Sonomi, and that is the only thing that matters. Myself, what I am made of, has not changed.

Don't love me because of where I stand, but love me for what I am made out of.