2003-08-21 :: all these might have changed by now..

As I was speaking to Pen on the phone, I started to think that I was back in Melbourne. The conversation we were having was one of those nothing-ones. Exchanging gossips, gossips you can't even remember a second after you hang up the phone. It was just like old days.

And this must be why I started to feel I was back. The thing is, I can remember everything. EVERYTHING. Notice I didn't say everyONE. I find it harder to visualise people's appearance, although I can remember how they'd behave, what they'd say or how they'd react. (I guess that what the photos are for. To help you remember what people looked like) The places, school, boatshed, boarding house, my houses, my friends houses, parks, neighbourhood, Safeway, Church st..etc.. I can draw a picture, into every single tiniest details. I know how many stairs there are in the boarding house, I even know that someone drew a face on the highest part of the roof. I can remember how my feet felt walking on the grass, how my guitar sounded played outside on the bench on sunny day. The squeaky sound the door made. The smell of Yarra, and the saltiness I could taste with that water (eek!). A little sticky table at Dendy Deli.. Bluh bluh bluh.. But even though I can draw these things in my head, they are thousands of miles away. They feel just a 5 min walk away from where I am sitting right now, but in reality it takes more than 13 hours with a lot of preparations needed.

When I come to think of it, I was living in this really small world and thought that was everything. The thing was it was everything for me. Staying in that little secure cage meant everything for me, and I never thought I would want to open up the door of that gate and step out into the unknown place.

I do admit, that when I stepped out of that place I did have a tough time, I maybe still do. There are times when I want to cry. But at the same time I am glad. I am glad to see something different from what I'm used to. Learn new things.

Minds you, not all of these things I learn are pleasant. Sometimes I rage because it againsts with my morals. Some people's behaviours make me really angry, I just want to kill them.

Though I am thankfull to them, what they do or had done help me become a better person. I know as long as I feel rage, then, maybe, I'm still a good girl.

I've told you about my identity problems, right? Sometimes I don't know where I SHOULD live. Well recently I become to think that I want to see as much things as possible. I don't want live my whole life in some posh place and die thinking that's how life should be. I want to know that there are many different people. And when I get a little too tired to keep moving around, then maybe I'll choose where I want to stay.

.....My head hurts. Mum says I've gotta get back to the hospital to have it checked. She probably is right, but I don't want to. So many more important things need to be done before the holiday ends.

This entry didn't really make much sense, couldn't explain half of what I wanted to say.. Blame it on the headache.

The truth is, I couldn't even understand what I was trying to say..